This blog was inspired by a conversation started from a comment I saw on Threads, and it led me to reflect on my own experiences and the importance of giving ourselves grace when grieving relationships.
The Comment That Sparked It All
Someone shared that it takes them 8 months to a year to get over someone, and they added two clown emojis like it was something to be ashamed of.
I felt that, and I wanted to remind folks that we are human.
Our feelings, thoughts, and bodies are complex.
When we connect with someone, no matter the length or quality of the relationship, we grieve when that connection is lost.
Most associate grief with death, but we grieve far more than that: friendships, jobs, life changes, and even becoming mothers.
For it to take any amount of time, especially a long time, is totally normal because you’re human and you have feelings.
Grieving Beyond Loss
The longer you’re with someone or the more layered the relationship, the deeper that grief can go. Sometimes, the hardest relationships to let go are the ones that hurt us, not the easy, drama-free breakups.
When you walk away from something that left scars, the healing can take longer.
I remember a relationship that tangled itself around my heart for over 20 years. We met in my early teens, stayed connected, moved into friend territory, and eventually dated—or so I thought.
He was my confidante when I was coming out of a horrible relationship, someone who knew everything about my struggles. Being with him felt safe, but he also betrayed me.
The heartbreak wasn’t just about romance; it was about losing my friend, too.
The Reality Check
Even though I forgave him and allowed him back into my life, it turned into an off-and-on situationship that tortured my heart. He felt ingrained in my spirit. The idea of cutting him off felt unimaginable, and that wasn’t healthy.
Being on the outside of his life, after years of being close, hurt. But that pain also became the catalyst for my healing.
One of the first things I did was speak my truth. I told him exactly how I felt. If you feel like you’ve already said everything, don’t keep opening those wounds.
Instead, write letters you never send. Pour it all out, then burn the pages or tear them up. That act of release is alchemy. It transmits the energy; you’re no longer holding it in your body.
Sitting with Your Feelings
Getting real about who they are, what they wanted, and how they betrayed you is powerful.
Sometimes it’s painful, and you might need a therapist or someone you trust to hold space for you while you process.
Sit with the reality: “Wow, this person really did that.”
Make a list of your true wants in a partner. Not looks or bank account, but character, values, beliefs, and how they treat you.
You may realize that person wasn’t even close to your vision of love.
When you look at what you actually got out of the relationship, did it bring joy, peace, support, or just stress, sadness, and anxiety?This is where you gain clarity.
It’s not about shaming yourself. Think of it like accounting: was this person an asset or a liability in your life?
Calling Your Power Back
It hurts to see how much love and chances you gave, but eventually, you get tired of tolerating less than you deserve.
As you pull back your energy and pour into yourself, the healing begins.
When you reflect on that person later, you won’t feel regretful. You’ll simply recognize, “At one time, I cared deeply, but they didn’t deserve it. Now I know better.”
Energetic rituals help, too. Whenever I wanted to get away emotionally, I’d set intentions, like every mile I drove away after a breakup, I’d tell myself I was creating distance.
Cord cutting rituals, releasing belongings, burying old gifts, symbolic funerals for the relationship, all helped me reclaim myself.
Remind yourself that letting someone back in would just put you back on that emotional roller coaster. I decided I’d rather be on the paddle boats, feeding the ducks, than gripping the bar on a wild ride.
Reprogram your mind, body, and spirit to function in healthy ways around love. Know deep down, you did nothing wrong. You’re not broken. That person simply wasn’t worthy of your love.
Radical Honesty and Grown Folks Love
Ideally, when the feeling changes, adults should be honest instead of faking love and building a life on lies.
But not everyone is built for that level of truth. Some people pretend to love you for their own gain, and that’s heartbreaking—not because you’re unworthy but because they are unwell. I actually feel bad for people like that.
So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I shifted: they lost access to me. I call all my energy, love, time, and support back from people who mishandled me.
They don’t get that anymore. It belongs to me now.
Anchoring Yourself in the Healing
When you catch yourself thinking about them or feeling that grief, pause.
Let yourself feel what’s true, but then choose to call your power and your love back to yourself.
If you need, give yourself a set amount of time to feel that sadness, then set the intention to pour your energy into your own well-being.
Remember, energy vampires and those with malicious intent exist.
The more you focus on yourself, the more you reaffirm your worth, the easier it becomes to let go.
Practical Ways to Process
I leaned on essential oils, nature’s mood boosters. I painted every day, creating art, pouring my feelings into color. A journal dedicated to heartbreak helps corral those messy feelings away from the everyday. When you’re ready, burn or bury those words and let them go.
Find positive outlets. Explore hobbies. Take yourself out.
Surround yourself with what lights you up.
Letting the Healing Take Its Time
Allow yourself the time and space without pressure.
Healing is not a straight line; it’s a spiral. Some days you’ll feel free, and other days will sneak up with tears.
That’s natural and nothing to beat yourself up over. Even if the relationship was a mess, it was part of your story. Over time, you reclaim your energy and those feelings get less sharp.
Building Back Your Heart
Support groups help. Emotions Anonymous is out there. I used to host healing circles for love and relationships, and I hope to bring those back when life allows.
Somatic work, bodywork, Reiki—all sorts of healing modalities can help you get that heartbreak out of your system. Start loving on yourself again. Build your confidence. Let your interests lead you back to yourself. Go to art galleries, treat yourself, take yourself out on dates.
Self-love is the path forward, always.
The Wisdom in the Wound
In time, you’ll realize you’re exactly where you need to be.
Healing isn’t a race.
One day, you’ll look back and see how your wisdom and your love have deepened because of what you’ve been through. If you ever need support or have questions, reach out. I love holding space for people, and it’s what carried me through my own hardest times.
Peace.