This time of year as Mother Earth shifts, so do I. It’s my Birthday Season, and when I do the most reflecting. It’s an interesting energy for me because as things slow down, my personal energy is high and moving fast.
As I approach 44, I’ve been reflecting on my life. Particularly things that changed me or impacted me in some way, and not necessarily the good things. My life has been filled with joy, but also a lot of painful experiences too.
I’m absolutely disgusted by how much of me I gave away to people and things that didn’t serve me well. The abuse, mistreatment, manipulation, and fucked up circumstances I’ve dealt with.
The energy, time, money, ideas, resources, concern, love, and care that weren’t valued or reciprocated.
The ways I was ignored, unheard, unsupported, and left out, and though often I was there for others, I was left to figure shit out on my own.
Disgusted. Utterly and physically is how I feel. When I think about key relationships—familial, friendships, colleagues, and romantic alike, I am disgusted by how much behavior I excused and how I held my tongue out of respect.
Once I cleared these people from my life, that was it. We never crossed paths again, and I understand why. These were lessons. My relationship space is where most of my life’s lessons were derived.
I’m grateful that the grief and pain didn’t harden my heart or change me. It made me better. I’m deeply grateful to the versions of me that did what was needed for me to survive.
To make it out of hell with a pure heart.
To navigate through periods of darkness with my soul as a guide.
Thank you for protecting me so that I didn’t lose myself.
Now, I get to reclaim the hidden pieces because it is safe for me to live.
It is safe for me to thrive.
It is safe to be in my body and present.
It is safe for me to love and be loved.
I am safe.
No longer do I need to hide or operate in fear of….
I can live out loud without holding the weight of the past. It doesn’t get to dictate how I operate or how I show up in the world.
My 20s were fun, but also quite traumatic. It’s where my healing and spiritual journey began.
30s is where I gathered wisdom and began to integrate healing, while rediscovering myself.
Big 40… this is where it all comes together. Where the healing becomes embodied. Where the boundaries are strict and enforced.
It’s where Fuck It becomes healing words.
The 40s are where you begin to decide who you are.
Looking back, I can see where I let fear, shame, guilt, and embarrassment hold me back. I see how I dimmed my light, hid my power, and longed for love and acceptance.
Now I am the love and acceptance.
My light was never dim, I just couldn’t see it.
My desires have changed. My dreams have not, but still things are different.
I desire love and peace; and community.
I desire health, wealth, and a loving family and happy home.
I desire success and to serve my community.
I desire to reach my dreams.
I desire freedom, and the freedom to be ME.
No longer do I desire partnership or marriage. If it happens, cool; if not, I’m not missing anything. It’s not that I stopped believing in love; I very much do. Love is the most powerful force!
It’s because I desire for my life to be FULL OF ME!
Whatever life I have left is being dedicated to ME!
I’ve been thinking… If I pour the same energy and attention into myself that I gave so freely to others, I KNOW what I will achieve.
If I show up in my business with the same energy and focus as I did when supporting others in developing and growing their businesses, I KNOW what I will achieve.
I cleared the board and set myself up for the win.
I’m betting on me.
I’m going all in on me.
I’m trusting me.
I’m moving for me.
I’m living for me.
I’m being about me.
Villainessence is back with a vengeance and just got a level up! Cause it’s seriously fuck everyone and everything that’s not with me, for me, or about me.
And that right there is absolute love. None of this comes from a place of anger or wounding. It’s just I cannot afford to lose more of me, in any way.
My gift to myself this year is Me.
It reminds me of how Mya married herself.
That is a powerful ceremony of protection, power, and reclamation.
My life must be lived in honor and devotion to myself. Whoever is meant to be in my life will not only understand but will respect it and move accordingly.
Little me would be so so proud.
I can feel her cheering me on.
She is, We Are proud!!